How to Survive the Holidays with Fatphobic Family

Going home for the holidays can be great. But it can bring on a great deal of stress and anxiety. Family, sometimes, just don’t get it. People who love and care about you don’t want to make comments that hurt. They want what’s best for you, but they still make comments like, “You look different..is stress getting to you?” or “You really want more desert?” and even “Did you put on weight again?” All of these are based on people wanting the best for you but the root of them is simple: fatphobia.

SO HOW DO YOU BEST PREPARE?

Every year, we get together to spend time with family and friends. It can and often is a time of great stress and anxiety. Try these tips and see which works best for you. Keep them in your back pocket this holiday season!

1.Have a support person

A support person is someone who understands you and what you’re going through. When someone makes an inappropriate comment, you can make eye contact with your support person. This helps you know that you’re not alone.

If you don’t have someone that can physically be there for you, find someone you can text. That way, no matter what, you have someone to support you. 

2. Traveling? Bring a snack

Pack a snack for the car ride or plane ride. You may not have control of when everyone starts eating. If you get there and food is still being prepared and you won’t be eating for a few more hours, you’ll want to be prepared so you don’t get too hungry.

This also applies if you get there and eat right away. If you’re spending the whole day there, you may want a snack for after the big meal. That way when it gets later in the evening, you’re not ravenous for some food.

3. Feed yourself throughout the day

You don’t need to save up your food or calories just because you’re going to have a larger than normal meal later in the day. This feeds the binge-restrict cycle. When you restrict during the early hours of the day, your body tells you to eat more, causing you to binge in the evening. If your large family meal isn’t till three, eat breakfast and lunch. While your lunch may be smaller than normal lunch, it will still help your body feel better throughout the day.

4. Have escape plan

You may need to leave. Putting your mental health first isn’t wrong. This may mean that you drive yourself so you have a car to drive or sit in. You can go for a quick walk around the block and get some fresh air. There is zero shame in knowing your limits and having an escape plan.

5. Take a bite of a bunch of things

There will often be several different types of food at holiday meals. There may be several main dishes as well as side dishes. On the first round of food, just take a little of each and try each food you’re interested in. Then you can return for the food you really enjoyed.

6. Your plate. Your business

Keep your eyes on your own plate. It is so easy to compare what you’re eating and how much you’re eating with others. Your plate is not for others to comment on either. Don’t play the compare game. What your body needs is different than what anyone else needs, meaning, your plate will be different than anyone else's, and that’s ok!

7. Culturally normal to eat past fullness

Culturally, when eating large meals it's okay that you will eat past fullness. Even though your normal may not be eating that much, it’s okay at these large gatherings to eat more. Give yourself a little more compassion and wiggle room at holiday meals.

8. Intuitive eating game

Before anyone starts eating, suggest playing the intuitive eating game. To play this game, start when everyone has their plate of food and are sitting around the table. Have each person list on a scale of 1 to 10 where they feel their hunger is. 10 being you may throw up because you’re so full, whereas 1 being you may pass out from hunger. Then at the end of the meal, ask everyone where they are on the scale again.

The reasoning for this game is to be light hearted, fun, but also open people up to feeling their bodies. Now, this may not work with all families, depending on their attitudes around food and how many people are there. Feel your family out and use your own judgement when suggesting this game.

9. Take a mindful moment

A mindful moment is great for anyone who is starting to feel overwhelmed. This will help you calm down before you have to leave and recharge. Do this when you are first starting to feel discomfort about everything going on.

A mindful moment is taking time to turn into your five senses. This will help you stay grounded in the moment instead of feeling overwhelmed. Try these for each of the senses (with no judgement):

• Sound: Take a moment, close your eyes, and try to identify all the sounds you’re hearing.

• Touch: What does the tablecloth feel like? What does my hair feel like? My sweater? The silverware? My drink? Is it cold or hot in the room?

• Smell: What does my food smell like? What do my clothes smell like? Is there something cooking that you can smell? Is someone wearing perfume?

• Sight: Look at your food. How does the light hit it? Does it have seasoning you didn’t notice the first time?

• Taste: Take a bite of food. Where do you chew it in your mouth? What flavors or ingredients can you taste? Does it have more flavors than you expected if you chew it longer?

  10. Take a gratitude moment

A gratitude moment is taking time to think about your food’s journey. How much work did it take for the food to arrive on your plate? Try working your way backwards. If Aunt Jan brought the mashed potatoes, think about what went into it. There are potatoes, butter, sour cream, seasoning, and cheese. Ask how many people it took to prepare all those ingredients. Someone had to grow the potatoes, turn milk into sour cream and cheese, and someone had to grow and dry the seasonings. Express gratitude (and awe) about all the sacrifice and work that has gone into the food.

11. Focus on the reason you’re there

Chances are you are there to get together and spend time with your family. Make it less about the food and more about the cousin you haven’t seen in a while, or time to spend with your favorite aunt, or to see a new nephew. Make it about the relationships you’re building. Don’t miss out on the experience of just living and being in the moment.

12. Remember: It’s not you. It’s them.

Some people tend to just make comments that are not okay or are very triggering. You won’t be able to avoid all body comments or diet culture talk. Just know, whatever they are saying, it’s about them, not you. They are projecting.

13. It’s not your job to change your family

Some families or family members may be open to learning more about diet culture, but holiday meals may not be the best time. If you do come across comments remember the line: “In my experience”. This will help you not project onto others, teach something without getting defensive, and share knowledge.

Enjoy your holidays and if you feel like you want more one on one help, book a call with us!